Should Selfishness be a negative word?

In the last month, I have learned a lot about self-compassion and the importance of taking care of ourselves. In fact, one of the biggest myths against self-compassion is that thinking about ourselves is selfish.

That's when I realized that there is no word for thinking about ourselves in a normal way. Before terms like self-care, self-compassion, self-love, and self-awareness, there was only selfishness and selflessness. But no one is inherently selfless! And it's been proven that being wholly selfless is unhealthy, case in point, the idea of self-compassion.

Dr. Kristin Neff is one of the foremost leaders in self-compassion research, and she notes that self-compassion is not self-indulgence. This means that we don't have a word that presents as a medium between self-indulgence (selfishness) and self-deprecation (a doormat/selflessness).

That made me think: should the word selfishness be rehumanized?

What does selfishness mean?

Merriam-Webster notes that selfishness is "excessive interest in oneself." Selfish combines the pronoun self-, meaning to or for yourself, with the suffix-ish, for "having the character of" or "belonging to". This means that a selfish person has the character of themselves or has traits of belonging to themselves. But is that bad? Shouldn't we care for and even love ourselves extensively?

The opposite of selfishness is self-sacrificing, which means, "giving everything to others and sacrificing your own needs." That is acceptable, but not in every situation, and the more of ourselves we sacrifice, the less of our "self" remains.

Types of Selfishness

So, what is the difference between someone who will do anything for money and someone who treats their workers with respect? I believe that it is what style of selfishness we utilize at the time. I have therefore broken them down into five types:

1. Biological: The actions we take to ensure and expedite our survival.

According to Maslow, we need to eat, sleep, find shelter, and even build social supports. These core needs keep us alive, safe, and healthy enough to keep going and without it, we will either decay biologically or mentally. Therefore, we must put our physical needs above others when the possibility of survival versus death is the only option.

2. Altruistic: The actions we take to help ourselves, our future, or our legacy by helping others or the world,

For example, is having children inherently selfish? We cannot guarantee a good life for this person that we are bringing into the world but the human race would end without more people. A lot of our decisions are hedonistically motivated in the sense that our love for ourselves leads to the need to protect the world and family that we have built. When we recycle to protect the planet or provide aid to the homeless because it makes us feel good about ourselves. Are we bad for doing it? Of course not. That intrinsic motivation makes the world a better place, but not just for others; for us and those we care about.

3. Familial (Friendly): The actions that we take to protect our families, friends, and relationships to prevent our own heartbreak and losing these people.

Self-interest does not equal a lack of empathy. Just because I care about me, doesn't mean that I stop caring about you. People are interrelational and can love more than one person at a time, including ourselves. We must then qualify what is important in each conversation or interaction. Everything we touch and act upon has to do with how things interact with us and the environment. Therefore, it is rare that any action we take is purely selfless.

4. Self-love: The actions we take for ourselves to thrive in society.

Self-love is "a healthy respect for one’s own health, growth, happiness, joy, and freedom". This moves past our need to survive and into our need to belong. Maslow notes that when we get the basic survival needs, then we begin to look inward to find what brings us joy and drives us forward. Self-care and self-compassion fit in here because when we are able to be compassionate with ourselves, then we are more aware of ourselves. Dr. Kristin Neff notes that self-compassion includes the knowledge that we are all human and struggle, so we can see our flaws more clearly, and act on them with compassion.

5. Self-indulgent: The actions we take to make ourselves feel better, usually at the expense of others.

This is the selfishness that most people are aware of. This type of selfishness places one's goals, needs, wants, and feelings above everyone else. This selfishness also chooses material gains over social or emotional gains. Therefore, a person who is self-indulgent would not care for building their social connections, protecting friends and family, or protecting the future of the human race. While all the other types lead to positive feelings of self, this may not. Because a self-indulgent person doesn't care for helping others and building relationships, this selfishness alienates people and may cause more self-harm in the long run.

How does this present?

Think about Lex Luthor; a supervillain. He would help and save the world if given the opportunity. If helping others would get him what he wants, he would do it. He wants people to like him in lots of ways but lacks the compassion and empathy that turns that selfishness into a positive expression. Of course, he does a lot of negative things in the name of his selfish needs, but he also moves technology forward in leaps and bounds. He manages to put good into the world even as a selfish, sociopathic, narcissist.

Now, how about the end of a Christmas carol? Ebenezer Scrooge is obviously selfish, but he is also really unhappy. He is crotchety, tired, and lonely. He lacks the hedonistic aspect of selfishness which is making yourself feel good. He doesn't feel good. And when he dies, and nobody cares, he no longer has the excuse that money can help him or make him feel good. It can't. If we want to truly be selfish, we need to open ourselves to others and that requires caring or even just pretending to care about others.

The lesson from "The Good Place" is that we are our best selves when we have people who we care about. Will we still be capable of great hurt and hurting others, of course (think about how nationalism can lead to war). But we are willing to see other options that can help us.

Story Time!

I spent the majority of my childhood trying to be selfless and putting everyone's hopes, dreams, thoughts and needs ahead of my own. Yet, I was incredibly unhappy and burnt out constantly. Then, I took time off and just focused on myself and my needs. This gave me the time to assess my values, wants, needs, and who I want to be before trying to give myself to others. Do I care about people less now? NO! Helping others is something that brings me great joy, and now I know why. I also do not allow others to take advantage of my kindness or put myself through suffering just to make other people comfortable. There is a balance between self-sacrifice and self-compassion because I know my limits and I love myself enough not to cross them.

So, what should we do?

I don't really have an answer, but I can say that I am happier now that I am a little more selfish.

Maybe we invent a new word. Or we retake the word and decide that it means something different (like the word gay). Language is fluid and ever-changing. It exists to promote communication so that we may understand one another as well as possible. If the word is incomplete or ill-defined, then we change.

You must choose what kind of selfish you want to be.

*Disclaimer*

This is not politically motivated or biased toward the right or the left. These statements are my opinions alone and therefore I could be wrong and humbly accept my limits.